champagne problems

The lyrics of this song remind me of things you've said to me over the years. How there's someone else out there better for me than you. 

You booked the night train for a reason
So you could sit there in this hurt

Bustling crowds or silent sleepers
You're not sure which is worse

Because I dropped your hand while dancing
Left you out there standing
Crestfallen on the landing
Champagne problems

Your mom's ring in your pocket
My picture in your wallet
Your heart was glass, I dropped it
Champagne problems

You told your family for a reason
You couldn't keep it in
Your sister splashed out on the bottle
Now no one's celebrating

Dom Pérignon, you brought it
No crowd of friends applauded
Your hometown skeptics called it
Champagne problems

You had a speech, you're speechless
Love slipped beyond your reaches
And I couldn't give a reason
Champagne problems

Your Midas touch on the Chevy door
November flush and your flannel cure
"This dorm was once a madhouse"
I made a joke, "Well, it's made for me"

How evergreen, our group of friends
Don't think we'll say that word again
And soon they'll have the nerve to deck the halls
That we once walked through

One for the money, two for the show
I never was ready, so I watch you go
Sometimes you just don't know the answer
'Til someone's on their knees and asks you

"She would've made such a lovely bride
What a shame she's fucked in the head, " they said
But you'll find the real thing instead
She'll patch up your tapestry that I shred

And hold your hand while dancing
Never leave you standing
Crestfallen on the landing
With champagne problems

Your mom's ring in your pocket

Her picture in your wallet
You won't remember all my
Champagne problems

You won't remember all my
Champagne problems

In the darkened corners of the web, I trace the echoes of your absence,

Wondering if you linger, if your eyes ever drift to the remnants I leave behind.

Do you skim my stories, curious if I’ve stitched myself together?

Do you glance at my playlists, seeking clues in the songs that now fill my silence?

Or do you scroll past, indifferent, as I unravel in plain sight?

I imagine you don’t.

You’ve moved on, buried beneath another’s warmth, while I remain here,

Scraping at the cold walls of solitude, wiping away the tears that fall unseen,

Every night, without fail, in a world where you no longer wonder.

😢😞

 Last night, I went to sleep, feeling somewhat hopeful. I had another therapy session, earlier on in the day, to see if I could begin the process of being comforted with these panic attacks that are happening now. Any time I think of him, or him with you, I immediately begin to shake and I can feel the meltdown happen. Its trying to start now as I write this.  Then I spiral, I go to deeper, darker thoughts. I immediately dismiss them. Reminding myself that this pain and discomfort will only be temporary, that this storm in my mind will pass. 

But the sleep thoughts I had last night were basically that I had come by to give J his birthday present, and you, your mom and Carl were there, but he was not. You guys invited me in, and when I saw how your home was redecorated and the photos of us were discarded, I felt a panic attack begin to happen. I felt it. But it was really happening, I suddenly woke up from my sleep, nearly hyperventilating, sweat dripping down my face, as well as tears. I've never had something invade my slumber this way before. It felt like you reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. I still hurt just like I did days ago, weeks ago.  

I just wish this pain would slowly begin to slip away. There are moments during the day when I begin to forget about the void that was us.  But those moments are fleeting and before I know it, reality slaps me right in the face all over again. 

I still miss you. ♥️♾️

 It's been 48 hours since we've spoken about anything other than our son, I feel a lot of emotions right now.  I know that when this is all over with, you won't be the same person you went in as.  But I don't know how long it's going to take me to heal from this. I am just trying to get by, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.  The pain I feel every single day since you left 2 and a half weeks ago still aches in my soul. I  have truly lost my smile, I can't find my joy,  It's like I've run out of hope. I'm empty, drained. I keep going because I know it's what I HAVE to do.  I gotta keep going, I watched dad continue on with life after mom left so many times. But he accepted her back every single time. I could see how much he loved her. How much his heart broke every time she would go. He didn't deserve it. Neither do I. But when you really feel in your heart and soul that they are your person, you will literally do anything for them. Including sacrificing your own mental well-being, along with everything else, just to be with them. 

I have pleaded with god, begged with any spirits that would listen, and cried myself to sleep every single night since you've left. No one deserves to feel this. But I guess this is what I deserved. afterall, its the same thing I did to Kristin, true she was already out doing things, but once she kicked me out, I stayed gone. She waited for me to come back, other than one very short week, I stayed gone for good.  She sent messages and emails that have a very similar tone to the ones that I have written to you.   My heart goes out to her for making her feel that way, she didn't deserve it.  Just like I didn't deserve what is happening to me now.   Even if I was making a lot of changes, even though I took inventory of myself and tried to improve, over and over and over again. I would have literally done anything for you, and I felt like I did. I tried, I gave effort, I kept going and going, pushing myself further and further. Working on myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, broadening my horizons in all of those faculties. Trying to be the best me that I could be FOR YOU. Because that's what all of this was for, to be YOURS. To be the man you've always wanted. But in the process, I lost you. I have been going over conversations between us, and it just seems as if you lost interest in me, maybe it was because of Zack, maybe it was because of Bryan, maybe it was the situation between us. In any event, I tried, I gave everything I had. Maybe some day we can try again. You said it yourself, we don't know what the future holds.  I hope the best for you. I really do. But even if we do get back together, it will be like re-learning someone all over again, which is what we both wanted to avoid. 

If you want me to be my pessimistic self, I don't think you'll ever read this. I don't think you really ever cared that much. I think I was comfortable for you. I think you used me as a waiting room until you found something better.  If this was not the case, I apologize. But I can't, at this point see it any other way than that. You discarded me, like I was worthless. You left me broken and bitter with nothing but my heart and the tiniest bit of hope. I know that I hurt. I am attempting to heal. But I am not jumping into something with someone else so that I can hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. I am focusing on myself and my kids.  If something were to occur in the process, I would likely decline because I can't give myself to someone like that anymore. I have had one sexual urge since you left and that was when I sent you that tellanon that said ugh.. urges.  Other than that, I've been completely without any sexual gratification since before you left. I'm so heartbroken and distraught.  I'm in such agonizing pain. I just wish it would stop. 

Here is to the end.

 He moved in. I've lost the war for your heart. It's clear to see this is what you meant by the things in motion.  This is what you wanted. I am truly in shock that this is what has happened. I thought it was you and me. Look down at your finger. It was supposed to be us. I feel a level of hurt and mistreatment that I can't put into words.  I gave so much of myself to you. I went into some of the deepest, darkest places into my heart and soul for you. I tried. I worked as hard as I could in the real world, I worked so hard, as hard as I could on my mental health. I went to therapy weekly to fix me. I tried to be better, for you, for our son, and for us as a family unit. I gave what I had. I know I wasn't perfect, but I kept trying. Over and over and over. But nothing I did was good enough. I still kept going. I fucking love you. My heart and soul are so broken.  I don't want to do this without you. I don't want to live. I would rather die than be without you. I can't fathom living another day and being without you. You lied to me. You lied about the bedbugs, you lied to me so many times. Because at the end of all of this, I'm not who you want. I'm never who you wanted. I can't fucking do this anymore. I can't do this. 

Maybe I'll just lay down for a while. 

Bittersweet... closure?

 Remember, that's what we named your first mix you made when we were together. How apropos. 

I guess this is where I can speak more longform and I think you'll see this?  In your message you kept saying 'for now', 'right now'. those are qualifiers, maybe that's just your way of being gentle with my heart, but my heart will always hold hope for us. Maybe I'm just looking too deeply into your words. Either way, I don't want anyone else. 

I don't want to learn someone else. I can't truly say that I want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else. That's why I kept improving, I wanted to be better. I knew I was capable. I just had to figure it out, but I did it at your expense for so long.  I came to you with so many different things, ways to improve things that weren't working. I was open-minded with things you seemed interested in. 

I'll set you free, let you be. Grow. Figure your stuff out. I just wish, hope, and pray we have time to make our way back together.  If something were to happen, just know that I always wanted you to be the woman I married and spent the rest of my life with. I think about that stuff now more than I ever have, since hitting 40, I realize that tomorrow isn't promised. I just wanted you to choose me to be the one to walk this life with you. Do what you need to do. But just understand that I would rather spend my time, enjoying what I have left with the kids and my hobbies and projects, and wait for you, than find someone new.  I don't want new. I just want you. I want your head in my lap. I want to smell Marc Jacobs, I want your coffee cups strung about the house. I want my messy, bed-head having, sleepy, wonderful, loving girl. I accept you. Every part of you, and you know I mean every part. 

I'll give you your space and time, but we won't be around forever. The only person that can take you from me is death, and even then, I'll follow you into the dark. Pinky promise. ∞

Cosmic events... Your favorite

 Tonight is one of those nights you would be excited about all day long. You would message me, you would call me, and you would drag me along to do witchy stuff.  Well, a not very well known fact, I enjoyed doing that stuff with you. I know I am a lot sometimes, I know I have the ability to take over things, even if they aren't mine. When I realize that it's something you were excited about, and wanted to take the lead on, I would get a little more reserved, so that the focus could stay on you and you could enjoy your moment. I really did enjoy doing those things with you.  It being a super blue moon and all, I am sure you are doing something. I hope you enjoy yourself tonight. I hope it's everything you want it to be. ♥️ 

 In storm of thought, my heart in tempest tossed,  

A mountain vast of duties left undone,  

I sit in vain, with solace rudely crossed,  

And weep where silent shadows find the sun.

Each moment’s breath was steeped in fondest dream,  

Of me, you're a constant muse, in each design.  

With careful hand, I wove a love supreme,  

And sought to please you in each grand design.

Yet now, two weeks, and I was turned away,  

A stranger’s coldness wraps what once was home.  

Did I but dream that you wish to stay,  

Or was our love a fleeting, broken tome?

In solitude, I mourn and weep alone,  

For joy is lost, and all my heart is stone.

 I have so many emotions, so many thoughts running through my head. I can't work. I'm literally sitting at work, with a mountain of things I need to get accomplished, but I fucking cant do them. I just sit here, sobbing at my desk, my door shut. I feel so alone, so empty.  Every part of my day, I thought of you. You truly have no idea how much you were on my mind, how I kept you present in every decision I made.  I had been making the necessary changes, I was learning how to become more aware and thoughtful. I was looking at opportunities to go out of my way to do things for you. I had dinners planned, I had planned dates. I have a restaurant that we are still on a waiting list for in Evansville. I just had to get my full deferral payment taken care of.  I was trying to begin the process of dating you all over again. I know it seemed as if you were disinterested, however it does make sense now.  You were still hung up.   

But then 2 weeks ago happens, and I don't know what to say.  It's been two weeks. You were home for me. You've been my home. You have meant so much to me.  I just wonder if I meant the same to you, and if so, how could you walk away now? I don't understand. I don't comprehend. I just know that I hurt, my heart aches. I find no joy in anything anymore. I smile in front of people but it's fake. Anytime I am alone, anytime I'm given a moment to think, I cry. I am so alone. I miss you. 

how could I be so stupid?

I should have known this was you waxing and waning. What I want to do is show you that the pattern we fell into is the same pattern you're going to fall into with him. But you'll figure that out on your own. 

But I knew better, I should have seen this coming. You dipped your toe in, gave a sparkle of hope and then ran away.  Every time this happens, it feels like my heart is ripping into a million pieces all over again. It hurts. I guess I needed to feel something again, though. I've been sort of numb, other than the feeling of heartache that I've felt for the last two weeks.

I broke down Saturday morning after you sent that stuff to me, and I wasn't able to recover. I had a weekend of things to keep me distracted from you, instead, I stayed home and cried all weekend. You have this overwhelming power over me. Friday night I was starting to feel better, Saturday afternoon I was a moping mess all over again.  I just wish you would come home. Let me cook for you, love you, take care of you. 

You responded. You sent things. I don't know what this means, I shouldn't get my hopes up... I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. You're the only person in this life I want. I could be setting myself up for failure and to be honest, I'm scared out of my fucking mind.

My fucking heart breaks reading this now. 

So many things I wish you could know about this incident. If you read this I would want to tell you that I have always loved you. Even when I wasn't equipped to do so.   Jessica was my fault. Ashlee was my fault.  With Jessica my inability to say no and decline her advanced was my problem. I took the bait. I fucked up.  With Ashlee, I needed the closure, it was nice that her and I were talking, but we were always very good friends. There was flirting on both parts but it went no further than that. I have absolutely no reason to lie at this point, you're already gone. I just figure at this point, If you did stumble upon this, you could feel better knowing that even when this happened, I was, at the end of the day, chasing closure. Which I did get, very definitively. 

I wish I could tell you how much it crushes my soul to know we both feel the same way. I've read articles, talked to life coaches,  looked into how much spells/psychics cost. You're right, there isn't a quick fix. There are no answers. I can't force you to love me the way I want you to.   The feelings that I felt for you, are true, deep and pure. I want to call you. I want to text you. I just wanna come home to you. You have always been the person I've wanted, at the end of the day. I can't fault you for leaving. I just hope that you use the key you have one day and come home. ♥️ I cry every night, I hold onto bunny, she knows the taste of my tears so well. I just wish it was you. I truly do.  I pray. I pray every night for you to come to me. I plead and I beg with God on a nightly basis to bring your love back until I'm so exhausted I pass out. 

I fucking miss you. I miss us. I miss it all. There will always be home in my heart for you.  Please. Come home. 

untitled 2

I have been wanting to do this for a week. I would like to tell you that it is because that I have been too busy, I have been busy but not too busy. I have been tired but not too tired. By what I have been is I have been sad and depressed to do this. I've been too down and depressed to do anything I enjoy. No Starfield. I cook because I have to. I have taken exactly 2 showers. I have not shaved. I am not eating but one meal a day, however I am losing weight at a pace I am happy with. 

I came into this earlier in the day with a positive mindset, well as positive one as I could have, with the current circumstances at hand. I had a busy but productive day at work, got my medicine taken care of for the next month, and was able to have therapy face to face for the first time in person in a while. It felt nice to actually see the Nikki again through more than just a phone screen.  I thought it was a good day. I got home, made dinner with Lily, (a nightly ritual) and then Julian and I worked on his PC over parsec and phone, and things were going great until I had to hear HIS voice. It nearly broke me right then and there. I felt my heart drop almost out of my chest. I felt so sick to my stomach.  I had such a decent day, I had a smile on, gave out all of the positive energy I had and then to end it with hearing the person's voice who was slotted into my position in what was my family. I have said this before, but I'll say it again. If I wasn't in as good of a mental state as I'm in right now. I would have already tried to kill myself. This is almost too much to bear. I keep going, I keep trying. I keep fighting on, but at what point is it not worth it anymore? When do I find my happily ever after?