You said on Thursday that I deserved more than a quick response, and instead I get nothing more. I understand you have a lot going on but I do too. I can see through your actions that I don't matter anymore. I need to see it for what it is. I will leave well enough alone.  You're loosing me. 

How long could we be a sad song
'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?
I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy
And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier
Fighting in only your army
Frontlines, don't you ignore me
I'm the best thing at this party 

(You're losin' me)

And I wouldn't marry me either
A pathological people pleaser
Who only wanted you to see him
And I'm fadin', thinkin'.... 

"Do something, babe, say something" (say something)
"Lose something, babe, risk something" (you're losin' me)
"Choose something, babe,
I got nothing (got nothing)
To believe Unless you're choosin' me"
You're losin' me
Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me
Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me
I can't find a pulse
My heart won't start anymore

why?

Here I lay, trying to get to sleep and I can't. Something is missing... As it always is. 90% it's you, Scarlett. The

 other 10% is either mommy or Daisy. Tonight, it's mommy. I am feeling very smoll tonight and I really wish you were here. It's just another reminder that I'm not whole. I misses you... I am really lonely tonight. 🥺

Edit. This was a draft from the other night but it still rings true.  I miss you mommy. 

the dreams I have sometimes... I want to log this, because.. well, idk why...

but the 'dream' (if you can call it that) was this...

You and I were in your living room, we were talking like we always would, and then we hear someone coming down the stairs, and its your boyfriend. But there wasn't mad. He just saw I was there, he gave you a kiss, and went about his business. It gets a little foggy from there, but i do know that at some point, you were being mommy to me and he comes into the picture, you start doing this with him, and it gets really blurry from there. I think at some point there was finger-cuffing going on but I dont remember anything else. 

odd, i know but idk... 

...alone

 its 10am on sunday morning. the house is quiet, the furnace just went off, so it's actually quiet.  but here i sit, existing... unsure of what to do. julian is still asleep and we are going to the waterpark today but i am melancholy, morose... just.. down. these are the moments i think i miss you most. those quiet moments, when i am awake and you are asleep and i can just come over to you and find you... dreaming,.. i used to watch you sleep a lot. i have always felt like your beauty was a reflection of who you are on the inside. i know it sounds so fucking cliche but i mean it. you are so incredibly kind to others. you're so giving of your time. i miss you. i miss your snoring. i miss holding you while you sleep. i miss having to wake you up multiple times. i miss you waking up to making you breakfasts that took me entirely too long to make. i miss you. i miss you. i miss you. i fucking miss you. i miss your good, i miss your bad. i miss being in your presence. i miss you. 

i am going to stop posting on Instagram

I know you're not going to come here, so I will just continue my thoughts here. I think I'm done trying to win you over. It won't happen. You're content where you are, and you're clearly happy. 

As for me, I am mearly existing. At this point, for my kid. That's it. I truly believe love won't find me at this stage of my life. I think I was right... You were everything to me, while I was just a wonderful experience for you.  Meaning, I was simply just a chapter in your book, but you were my whole story. I don't want life after you. I really thought we would be together. I thought you would come back. But you aren't. 

You were truly bigger than the whole sky.