i find myself not eating. i feel the hunger pangs, the things that have haunted me since childhood. i am learning to not be afraid of them. it's almost as if it comforts me at this point. now we play the game of how long i can go without eating. i am going on 24 hours. the last thing I ate was chicken strips and pizza from holiday world. they were not the greatest. i weighed 277 before i left for holiday world. lets see where we get. either losing weight or in the hospital. i will not be relegated to being called a fat fuck. 

i keep looking down at my phone to see if you're going to contact me. i should know better by now. you aren't for me now. i didn't realize how much i thought about you, how much you were part of my daily routine. how much i would just keep you in my head throughout my day.  i was truly in love with you. it just sucks because once, you loved me too. but as i was getting better, you were getting worse. i tried to pull you out. i did, i listened, i was a shoulder for you to cry on. i was the person you relied on for everything. but still, that was not good enough for you. i tried nursing you back to mental health, but you didn't want to do it for yourself.  so you went looking, and you found kyle, you found andrew, you found zack, you found him.  i told you from the jump, this seems like a bad idea. but i watched it unfold right in front of me. but you kept me on the backburner so that you could have a failsafe. i have been your constant. i stayed. when everyone else left, i stayed. but unfortunately, the tragedy is that i dont wish to disappoint you but when i don't completely fall, i will stumble, but i will get up. i have gotten up so many times in my life and you know this to be true. i can will things into existence. i didn't believe in manifesting until you. but someone will find me. and i will wonder how i ever lived without her. 

goals and habits:

1. join keri's gym & actually go
2. 180lbs 
3. stop chewing finger nails
4. better hygiene (shower daily)
5. clean out my car 
6. better organize the house, clear out clutter.
7. clean dishes while cooking

all of these will be completed by the end of the year. 

i try to keep the wallowing in my self pity to a minimum, but this is 13 years... gone. 

i cant sleep

Originally posted 6/20/24 4:44am.

 i am being haunted by the ghosts of you at this point. i find myself not being able to Sleep, eat or even Concentrate. I know why you left And went. he suckered you into it. this guy is a Really incredibly good manipulator. i could tell he was slick with it once he was on the phone. i said it up front, you Let the sweet taste fool Even you. The sad part is, The dude is so transparent. I just hope that you figure it out before its too late. i would hate to See you end up in A bad way because this guy talked you into it. i always Made sure you were well taken care of And you never went without anything. such a Pity. 

here it is 444 in the morning. the angel number thing, we used to text to each other all of the time, even as recently as two days ago. it says that the number means it is guiding you to a path of clarity and decisiveness. I guess this is my sign. 

i do not believe i will take you back after this. true, we will have to speak at least for the sake of our son. but more than that, i dont wish to have anything to do with you. you told our little secrets. you told him our things, you told him about me. but i understand why, when you literally spend every waking moment you have tied to your phone with him.  you told him almost every one of your little secrets i am sure but you have still never uttered a word about your passenger. i will even leave that alone here. but if one looks hard enough they might find a clue. 

i find myself sobbing, i cant sleep. i just lay here, and do what was your favorite activity, rotting. but my house isn't a mess, so i'm not doing too bad at this point. 

he answered your phone

let's start with yesterday. what was supposed to be my father's day present. a day for me. a day for dad to relax and enjoy some family time. instead, you spent the entire morning and afternoon talking to your 'boyfriend' because his friend supposedly killed himself.  it did hurt my feelings that my day got ruined. for a long time we could blame it on your executive function issues, and that's fine. but we kept at it, neither one of us backing down. i never touched you in a threatening manner. i only came close to you with love in my heart. our tempers were on the rise and your mother was on the phone. i pleaded my case, but i could see that i had already lost. i would have done anything for my family and for the last year and a half, I had.  i had been growing. showing you improvements. you noticing that i'm becoming better. but instead of being my cheerleader, my cornerman, my partner and being proud of the family we are becoming, (because my victories are your victories, my wins are your wins).  you seek someone else. you fall for someone else.   I find myself unable to eat, i have had one chicken tender today. i have pretended to eat for the sake of my daughter.  back to where we were.  i heard you make mention of how you were hungry and needed coffee. i run and get you guys food, immediately. i leave it for you and you give me a big hug and ask why i brought it for you guys. i said 'because i would do anything for my family.' and i leave.   

instead of seeing that as a peace offering and staying loyal, you travel with my son to meet another man. you allow him to answer your phone and talk to me that way. disrespectful. such a trashy person. i cannot believe this is who you are seeking the attention of. this is the guy that was homeless 2 months ago, the guy who doesn't own a car, the guy who works at wendys? really? i have provided for you. i have provided for my son. i have given my time, my effort, my abilities, my life to this family, to you, to our son. but none of that was good enough. it wasn't good enough. i wasn't good enough. 

thats a tough pill to swallow. i told you before, i was like my dad, i was loyal. but i only be loyal until the true betrayal sets in. you hurt me deep. my goal, if i can help it, is to never see you again. i cant bear to look at your lying eyes. i can't do it. i know my heart wont be able to take it. we said we would never leave each other.  we said it was forever, infinity. remember? remember?

the beginning... the things i never wanted to write.

 So, here I am. I guess it's finally time to do what you do when things like this occur. You make a blogger. I am so distraught. There are so many things to tell you. So many mistakes I have made. So much I take the blame for. I just want to call her. Comfort her. Hold her and tell her that I love her. But she ripped my heart out. But I suppose this is what I get for flying too close to the sun. All of my efforts, they weren't done to win her affection back, they were done so she could see that I am evolving as a person. I am growing into the man I need to be, especially for my son. I still haven't lost him, as a matter of fact. He has been glomming to me. But I understand why, he sees me giving him the effort, the time of day and the love, acceptance and affection that I withheld, not because I didn't care, but because I didn't get that vulnerability from my own father. But this positive reinforcement is working. She was right... she was always right... I am the problem.  more to come...