i was your experience, you were my everything.

 if i had a wish, it would have been for us to read this blog together one day and you say to me, "wow... you really went through it, during out breakup."  

But I honestly do not believe that wish will come true, I sent you the message tonight. The one where I walk away.  I really think it would have been a whole lot easier on me if you would have never told me to find a secure app for us to talk on. It did nothing but fill my heart back up with hope. But rather than tell me to temper my expectations, or anything of that nature, you replied back 'same', or gave me very short reply and told me that you were under such duress because he was watching you like a hawk.  I doubt you've even read this far into the message.  Well, don't worry about me or this any longer. I just wish I could understand why you played with me this way. I was well on my way to healing. I wasn't far in my journey, but I had started feeling a little better. But, then you tell me to find an app and I do. I just don't know, I feel like I'm spiraling, My heart fucking aches. I got our son to bed and I can't stop crying now. I've been in the fetal position for the last hour and a half. I let you do this to me again! I LET this happen. I let YOU back in. But all I was, was nothing more than a back up plan, for when this psycho finally blows a gasket. But you like the craziness.  It's not boring, it's something different everyday. You like when someone yells at you, treats you like garbage, makes you cry, makes our son feel like he doesn't belong in his own home. 

I wanted you, I wanted us. I wanted our family. My soul was so full and happy to be with you, but I really don't think you were ever really happy with me. I tried really hard to make you happy. I worked, I pushed myself, I would come home and cook. I would play with the kids. I did... a lot. But none of it was enough. Even when we didnt live together I still tried. I gave so much effort. I went outside of my comfort zone and got into things with you that I learned to enjoy because of you. I did anything you asked, I did everything I saw that you wanted. But I was never good enough. You always looked elsewhere. I just wanted to make you happy and fulfilled. I tried any and everything.  Because I loved you, I swear I loved you. I made a lot of missteps, and to sit here and name them all, I would be writing this for at least a couple of days. The bottom line is, I fucked up... a lot. But I tried, I always tried to make it better, plus some.  And I was willing to try, forever. I was happy to try every day, to wake up and chose YOU, and US, over anyone else on this goddamed planet. 

But it never felt like I was enough for you. I wish I was. I wish so much I was. But I'm not.  That's why I say it again to you... 

I was a great experience for you. But YOU... YOU were my everything, and you always will be.  

things you should know, if something were to happen... (not that it will, as a just in case, you know)

 something i have alluded to over the years with you is what i wanted all of you to remember about me, if and when my time comes. this is in no way a suicide note, so please keep that in mind. it is with all of the love in the right places...

i have been conscious of my health (both physical and mental) for a little while now, and in the process of that being true, i have begun to look at things a bit differently. i tell each one of you that i love you every time we see each other. i give you more than one hug before you leave my presence. not because im being creepy or weird, but what if that is the last time i hug you? i don't know if i would be able to be ok with myself if i didnt hug you and tell you that i loved you just one more time? 

but you. yes you. ssp. since the moment i met you, i knew you were it for me. i knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. you were the only person i wanted forever. i never got tired of you and when i did, i really didn't. i have never loved someone the way that i loved you. not in scope, depth, understanding... any of it. i knew you were it for me, like this was the perfect fit. you were my soulmate, my best friend that i had waited my whole life to meet. i always found you so fucking beautiful. from watching you sleep, to when you first woke up, i wanted to wake up to that pretty face of yours for the rest of my days.  and don't even get me started when you actually put effort into your appearance. you are hands down the most beautiful woman i have ever laid eyes on in my entire life. you still more than likely don't believe me, and you probably won't, but every time i see you, my heart litterally skips a beat and my breath goes short, and i can't help but smile.  your personality is so much fun, you're quirky, sweet, caring, a gifted listener, incredibly thoughtful, and super inciteful, as well. your perspective was something i not only welcomed but embraced, i shifted my thinking so much because of you, and i don't know if i ever actually let you know that or not.  i just thought you should know these things. 

also, i wanted to marry you more than i ever wanted anything else in my life. it was all i ever dreamed of. i had dreams about you and i sharing that day together.  everything from what we wore... to where it happened. we got married in utica, at the beach house, it was a cool spring evening. you wore a very simple, but elegant pearl/cream colored dress.  i wore a simple black suit. we didn't have a huge elaborate to-do, we said our vows as the sun was setting. then you and i kissed and we belonged to each other, forever. we went on our honeymoon, you for some reason insisted we go to Guam. why? i have no idea. but it was where you wanted to spend our week without anyone or anything else. 

when are we going to be out of the woods?

I wish this nightmare could be over. I wish you were with me at the pool with Julian today, freezing our asses off. It's so cold, this is one we would definitely be making the best of the situation, and with a smile on our faces, for sure. Ellie was here, Shawna brought some of her kids. Its been fun.   I just keep holding onto this hope.  I just have to trust you were being honest and pray that you're just not going back and forth because of some argument. 

I know we are far from being out of the woods, but soon enough we will be in the clear... 

For the last several months I've written about my anger, my frustration, my sadness, my regret. But the one thing I haven't written about my was my reconciliation. That moment if you did ever come back.  Our Cory and Topanga moment, that moment that you finally chose US. I still hold out the tiniest chance of hope for this. But if it does, there is no more half measures. We either go all-in and we do this or it's completely over. We have played games for 13 years. You either be my wife, or be just my son's mother. Because to have the one thing I've wanted more than anything else is that. My person that chooses me over anyone else and I her. I fear this is not where your heart will be, if you do come back. And if this is not the case, then I can be on my way to figuring it out and finding HER. But I thought she was you.  Because I will never be able to look at another woman that same way again. Not after being unable to lay eyes on you for two months. the love for you that I've felt in my heart and soul even at my most down, is something I have felt. I haven't stopped loving you. I never quit holding just that tiny sliver of hope. But I will have to know, if this does come to fruition, are you willing to stand beside me, like I am you? Are you going to give yourself to me, in exchange for mine? I promise to never cage you. Just let me fly with you. Take me on your journey. Don't lock me out.  I will love you forever if we can walk together. Pinky promise.