the smallest man who ever lived

 Were you sent by someone

Who wanted me dead?

Did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?

Were you writing a book?

Were you a sleeper cell spy?

In fifty years will all this be declassified?

And you'll confess why you did it

And I'll say, "Good riddance"

'Cause it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden

I would've died for your sins

Instead I just died inside

And you deserve prison, but you won't get time

You'll slide into inboxes and slip through the bars

You crashed my party and your rental car

You said normal girls were "boring"

But you were gone by the morning

You kicked out the stage lights, but you're still performing

And in plain sight you hid

But you are what you did

And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive

The smallest man who ever lived

for my birthday...

 you messaged me the night before. you said if the snow wasn't as bad as it was... you'd visit me in person and tell me happy birthday.  

 

so i think i am going to give myself something... 30 days. that's it. 30 days, which is when RE9 releases. Once that comes and goes, I will move on. So here it is. The hard date. I am going to set this in stone. On that date, I will no longer reply unless it is about our son. I will be setting boundaries, firm and strict ones. All photos of you will be put on a drive and stored away. The messages will be archived. I will not look at your profiles because I will be blocking you. This has been a more difficult 5 months, but once the 6th is over, so will we, and I can not look back.

I fall apart when I see your messages. I crumble when you call. I shake when you abruptly have to leave. I get depressed once you ghost.  I can't live this way any longer. I am in a constant state of 'born ready' because of this.  I can't do this anymore. I am tired. I am lonely. I hurt. and the truth is, I know that I've hurt others in the process. At the slightest hint of you, I drop anything and everyone. 

But it's been this way most of the time with you.  I fell so hard for you. I walked away from my family, my friends, and my life. I made one stumble but I came right back. You made me promise to never leave, and I never did. Until February 26th, 2026. This is the day I will walk away... for good. This isn't an ultimatum for you, it's one for me. Because as much as I want to believe in my heart you'll come to me, my mind knows that it's over. So, I am letting my mind guide my heart this time. 

Sleepwalking

You won't love me, you won't leave me
You don't touch me, still so needy
And I don't know if you do it intentionally
Somehow you make it my fault

You don't stop talking
And I'm just sleepwalking
Course I'm angry, course I'm hurt
Looking back, it's so absurd

Course I trusted you and took you at your word (at your word)
Who said romance isn't dead? Been no romance since we wed
"Why aren't we fucking, baby?" Yeah, that's what you said
But you let me think it was me in my head
And nothing to do with them girls in your bed

You don't stop talking and I'm just sleepwalking
See your thoughts forming, baby, stop it, it's three in the morning
And I don't know if you do it intentionally
But somehow you make it my fault

You don't stop talking
And I'm just sleepwalking
I know you've made me your Madonna
I wanna be your whore
Baby, it would be my honour
Please, sir, can I have some more?
I could preserve all of your fantasies
If only you could act them all out with me

You don't stop talking and I'm just sleepwalking
See your thoughts forming, baby, stop it, it's three in the morning
And I don't know if you do it intentionally
But somehow you make it my fault

You don't stop talking
And I'm just sleepwalking-ing
You won't love me, you won't leave me

Ruminating

I'm giving up on getting sleep tonight
It's 4 a.m. and I'm in fight or flight
Ruminating, ruminating, ruminating, ruminating (ruminating, ruminating)
And I can't shake the image of her naked
On top of you and I'm dissociated
Ruminating, ruminating, ruminating, ruminating (ruminating, ruminating)
And I'm not hateful but you make me hate her
She gets to sleep next to my medicator
You're mine, mine, mine, mine, you're mine, mine, mine, mine
You're mine, mine, mine, mine, you're mine, mine, mine

And now I'm ruminating, ruminating, now I'm in my head
Ruminating, ruminating all the things you said
Why can't you wait for me to come home?
This conversation's too big for a phone call
Ruminating, ruminating, I've been up all night
Did you kiss her on the lips and look into her eyes?
Did you have fun? Now that it's done
Baby, won't you tell me that I'm still your number one?
'Cause you're my number one

I told you all of this has been too brutal
You told me that you felt the same, it's mutual
And then you came out with this line, so crucial
Yeah, "If it has to happen, baby, do you want to know?"
"If it has to happen, baby, do you want to know?"
"If it has to happen, baby, do you want to know?"
I don't know, I don't know
I don't know, I don't know
But what a line, line, line
What a fucking line, line, line
What a fucking line, line, line
What a fucking line, line, line
What a fucking line, line, line
What a fucking line
What a fucking line

Ruminating, ruminating, now I'm in my head
Ruminating, ruminating all the things you said
Why can't you wait for me to come home? (Come home)
This conversation's too big for a phone call
Ruminating, ruminating, I've been up all night (all night)
Did you kiss her on the lips and look into her eyes? (Her eyes)
Did you have fun? Now that it's done (it's done)
Baby, won't you tell me that I'm still your number one? (Ruminating, ruminating, ruminating, ruminating)
'Cause you're my number one (ruminating, ruminating, ruminating, ruminating)

Ruminating, ruminating, now I'm in my head
Ruminating, ruminating, all the things you said
Why can't you wait for me to come home?
This conversation's too big for a phone call
Ruminating, ruminating, I've been up all night
Did you kiss her on the lips and look into her eyes?
Did you have fun? Now that it's done
Baby, won't you tell me that I'm still your number one?

the finality of the unsent...

 I wish you knew how hard it is not to text you, how my thumb hovers over your name and I pull back at the last second.

I keep busy to drown out the silence, but every small thing is a ghost of you, the coffee I don't finish, the empty side of the bed, the song on the radio that stops me mid-breath.

I carry love I never say aloud, the good mornings unsent, the I miss yous that died in drafts. Loving you has been the quietest war of my life.

I wish you wanted me as much as I wanted you.

 You said on Thursday that I deserved more than a quick response, and instead I get nothing more. I understand you have a lot going on but I do too. I can see through your actions that I don't matter anymore. I need to see it for what it is. I will leave well enough alone.  You're loosing me. 

How long could we be a sad song
'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?
I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy
And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier
Fighting in only your army
Frontlines, don't you ignore me
I'm the best thing at this party 

(You're losin' me)

And I wouldn't marry me either
A pathological people pleaser
Who only wanted you to see him
And I'm fadin', thinkin'.... 

"Do something, babe, say something" (say something)
"Lose something, babe, risk something" (you're losin' me)
"Choose something, babe,
I got nothing (got nothing)
To believe Unless you're choosin' me"
You're losin' me
Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me
Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me
I can't find a pulse
My heart won't start anymore

why?

Here I lay, trying to get to sleep and I can't. Something is missing... As it always is. 90% it's you, Scarlett. The

 other 10% is either mommy or Daisy. Tonight, it's mommy. I am feeling very smoll tonight and I really wish you were here. It's just another reminder that I'm not whole. I misses you... I am really lonely tonight. 🥺

Edit. This was a draft from the other night but it still rings true.  I miss you mommy.