I am right where you left me

Friends break up, friends get married
Strangers get born, strangers get buried
Trends change, rumors fly through new skies
But I'm right where you left me

Matches burn after the other
Pages turn and stick to each other
Wages earned and lessons learned
But I, I'm right where you left me

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"

I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop
Right when I felt the moment stop
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on

I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
They expected me to find somewhere

Some perspective, but I sat and stared

Right where you left me

You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me, you left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever

Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?
Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it
She's still 23 inside her fantasy
How it was supposed to be

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?
Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it
She's still 23 inside her fantasy
And you're sitting in front of me

At the restaurant, when I was still the one you want
Cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right
I, I could feel the mascara run
You told me that you met someone
Glass shattered on the white cloth
Everybody moved on

Help, I'm still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt
Cross-legged in the dim light
They say, "What a sad sight"

I, I stayed there
Dust collected on my pinned-up hair
I'm sure that you got a wife out there
Kids and Christmas, but I'm unaware
'Cause I'm right where

I cause no harm, mind my business
If our love died young, I can't bear witness
And it's been so long
But if you ever think you got it wrong

I'm right where you left me
You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You left me
You left me no, oh, you left me no
You left me no choice but to stay here forever

while we were here

Don’t wait til I’m gone

And then stand up to speak

About all the things 

That you loved about me

Don’t sing all my praises

Through all of your tears

When I am no longer 

Beside you to hear

Don’t leave all that love

Like a secret unsaid

But tell me tomorrow

Or right now instead

And I’ll tell you too

Of the things I admire

About who you are

And how much you inspire

I’ll speak from my heart

Whilst you’re still here to know

“You are” not “you were”

Or “it used to be so”

I’ll speak of your light

Whilst you’ll still hear the words

And not leave that love

In the darkness, unheard

So tell me tomorrow

Or right now - don’t wait

Because we don’t know 

When it might be too late

Because we don’t know

When our time might be up

And we need to hear - while we are here -

How we’re loved.....

,

call it the end?

We're at a crossroad
And we don't know which way to go
Part of me lost hope
And part of me just can't let go

We said we'd cross those bridges when they came
Now it's time to give it a name
Yeah, we're at a crossroad
So, baby, let me know

Do I call you my ex or do I call you my girlfriend?
Call you a lover, do I call you a friend?
Call you the one or the one that got away?
Someone I'll just have to forget
Do I call you every night you're gone or never call you again?
Do we have a future or should I call it the end?

We were a moment
And you were my only true oasis
Now all those oceans
Are falling down our faces

So if we don't see it through
I'm a better me because of you
Yeah, we're at a crossroad
So, baby, let me know

Do I call you my ex or do I call you my girlfriend?
Call you a lover, do I call you a friend?
Call you the one or the one that got away?
Someone I'll just have to forget
Do I call you every night you're gone or never call you again?
Do we have a future or should I call it the end?

Should I call it the end?
Are we lovers or friends?
It's as good as it gets?
Should I call it the end?

this is what I wanted to send you.

Another Sunday night, and once again, I find myself caught up in my feelings. As I sit here, I can’t help but reflect on where we are. I see you in a better place—no fights, Julian thriving and adjusting so well, and everything seems to be in a good rhythm. It’s hard not to feel like I’m no longer fitting into that picture. Maybe I am the problem, and I hate to admit that, but it’s the truth I’m coming to realize. 

I’ve loved our time together—truly, I have. The moments we shared were special, and I’ll always look back on them fondly. Especially Friday, it really took me back to better times between us. However, going from one extreme and having you for 7 hours or so, to near radio silence for almost the entire rest of the weekend, it's voluntary torture. So, I’ve been doing some reflection this weekend, and I’ve reached a place where I feel like I’m holding you back more than anything. I don’t want to risk causing any more harm or discomfort. I think it’s time for me to let go, not because I don’t care, but because I care so deeply that I want the best for you, even if that means stepping away. 

Let me be clear, there’s no one else. You’re the only one in my thoughts, always. But, at the same time, I can sense that we’ve reached a point where we can’t move forward in the ways we need to, emotionally, physically, or in the amount of time we get to share. You made it pretty clear that you don't know what you want, and while I can respect it, I also have to respect my feelings as well.  I told you from the jump, that I knew what I wanted and you never told me "no", it was "NOt right now".

Life seems to be going well for you, you have your new job, our son is behaving, you and your man are getting along better, I mean you are out building a snowman together.  My point is, you're going to always find something wrong with whomever you're with. I chose to overlook those things with you, and I know you'll figure out how to do the same with him. 

You deserve someone who can give you everything you want and need, and as much as I wish that could be me, I can see that I’m able to be that person anymore. So, I’m letting go. Please, be happy where you are. I want that for you more than anything.  Now, go on.. GIT!  You deserve it.  I am here rooting for you to succeed in life. 

I am probably going to go dark for a while. It might be best if we don't have any contact for the foreseeable. The less I see of you, the better. 

i have tried

Once again, I am in a state of flux. Maybe it's because I've been trapped in this house for too long with the kids the entire weekend and I am going stir crazy. Maybe it's the fact that the weekend is coming to an end and I am very nervous about if we are actually going to be able to spend the time I thought we both wanted together. After all, you had the idea of this plan. To say you were going to work and come over here all day. Just thinking about it makes me heart race. 

I have to admit something to you, I am so worried, afraid, and scared. I am afraid that I still am not who you want. If I was so easy to walk away from once, then what will stop you from doing it in the future? What makes me believe that I am who you want.  If we're honest, you had your body, mind and heart out of our relationship for the better part of the last several years, before we split up. I don't feel secure in what this is. You could change your mind and continue on with what you have now, like what's been happening for the last 3 months didn't happen. I am sure I am overthinking everything. I am almost certain that I am. I do that sometimes, I can get along, keep my head down, do the hard work and then once I fixate on it, it becomes a thing. I start digging, and what did Natalie used to say, "if you dig, you're gonna find something you don't wanna find". She's right.  I look back over the last several years and I think of all of the other men you've entertained, Zack, Bryan, Arkansas, Wesley, Andrew, Kyle... I just... It really makes me second guess myself, and my decision to be here for you. Like, since this didn't work out with Bryan, now you see what you had and what you walked away from.  But why didn't you see what I was before you left? Why couldn't you see what I was before you gave me this heartache, this loneliness. This sadness, this emptiness I feel everyday. I wake up every morning knowing I am alone. I don't find comfort or solace in it. I find myself morose, indifferent, numb, unsure, unsteady. That's not who I was before. I felt so confident, self-assured, because I had you. My rock, my partner, my best friend, my mommy, my little girl, my love. I held onto us, the mental stability, the comfort, the familiarity, the fact we could finish each other's sentences, laughing at our little jokes. Knowing your heart was, at the end of the day, FOR ME.  You would end up at home with me at the end of it all. It was supposed to be US. You changed me. My greatest fears were realized. You left. You replaced me. Even though you said, you didn't want to learn anyone else, their mind, nor their body. You said those things to me to assure me that you wouldn't leave. You made me promise. You made me pinky promise I would stay, no matter what. And I did. I am still here.  Even though you left.  I just wish I could have your love, your devotion, your eye.  I don't feel desired by you any longer. That part, I haven't felt in a long time. You have been seeking something somewhere else for quite a while. I should have let you go to pursue your wants and needs a long time ago, but I couldn't muster up enough confidence to tell you this. I should have. Because maybe you would have already come back. I wanted to build with you. But for so long you were not wanting nor needing that in a partner. I worked for years and you would lay in bed and rot all day. Now you see how frustrating it is when you come home to find the dishes still not done, dinner not cooked and you have to figure it all out. It sucks. I said the entire time youve been gone, I hope you're happy and it turns out you aren't, at least the majority of the time.  I don't know, I'm just rambling. I have work tomorrow, I think I don't really know. It snowed and iced and snowed again.  I am trying to work from home tomorrow so we can spend time together but I don't even think you're going to leave your house at this point because of the snow and ice but you might prove me wrong. I hope you do. I miss you. I love you. Good night.