i have tried

Once again, I am in a state of flux. Maybe it's because I've been trapped in this house for too long with the kids the entire weekend and I am going stir crazy. Maybe it's the fact that the weekend is coming to an end and I am very nervous about if we are actually going to be able to spend the time I thought we both wanted together. After all, you had the idea of this plan. To say you were going to work and come over here all day. Just thinking about it makes me heart race. 

I have to admit something to you, I am so worried, afraid, and scared. I am afraid that I still am not who you want. If I was so easy to walk away from once, then what will stop you from doing it in the future? What makes me believe that I am who you want.  If we're honest, you had your body, mind and heart out of our relationship for the better part of the last several years, before we split up. I don't feel secure in what this is. You could change your mind and continue on with what you have now, like what's been happening for the last 3 months didn't happen. I am sure I am overthinking everything. I am almost certain that I am. I do that sometimes, I can get along, keep my head down, do the hard work and then once I fixate on it, it becomes a thing. I start digging, and what did Natalie used to say, "if you dig, you're gonna find something you don't wanna find". She's right.  I look back over the last several years and I think of all of the other men you've entertained, Zack, Bryan, Arkansas, Wesley, Andrew, Kyle... I just... It really makes me second guess myself, and my decision to be here for you. Like, since this didn't work out with Bryan, now you see what you had and what you walked away from.  But why didn't you see what I was before you left? Why couldn't you see what I was before you gave me this heartache, this loneliness. This sadness, this emptiness I feel everyday. I wake up every morning knowing I am alone. I don't find comfort or solace in it. I find myself morose, indifferent, numb, unsure, unsteady. That's not who I was before. I felt so confident, self-assured, because I had you. My rock, my partner, my best friend, my mommy, my little girl, my love. I held onto us, the mental stability, the comfort, the familiarity, the fact we could finish each other's sentences, laughing at our little jokes. Knowing your heart was, at the end of the day, FOR ME.  You would end up at home with me at the end of it all. It was supposed to be US. You changed me. My greatest fears were realized. You left. You replaced me. Even though you said, you didn't want to learn anyone else, their mind, nor their body. You said those things to me to assure me that you wouldn't leave. You made me promise. You made me pinky promise I would stay, no matter what. And I did. I am still here.  Even though you left.  I just wish I could have your love, your devotion, your eye.  I don't feel desired by you any longer. That part, I haven't felt in a long time. You have been seeking something somewhere else for quite a while. I should have let you go to pursue your wants and needs a long time ago, but I couldn't muster up enough confidence to tell you this. I should have. Because maybe you would have already come back. I wanted to build with you. But for so long you were not wanting nor needing that in a partner. I worked for years and you would lay in bed and rot all day. Now you see how frustrating it is when you come home to find the dishes still not done, dinner not cooked and you have to figure it all out. It sucks. I said the entire time youve been gone, I hope you're happy and it turns out you aren't, at least the majority of the time.  I don't know, I'm just rambling. I have work tomorrow, I think I don't really know. It snowed and iced and snowed again.  I am trying to work from home tomorrow so we can spend time together but I don't even think you're going to leave your house at this point because of the snow and ice but you might prove me wrong. I hope you do. I miss you. I love you. Good night.