I'd kiss you as the lights went out
Swaying as the room burned down
I'd hold you as the water rushes in
If I could dance with you again

Just one more hug

Just one more kiss

I would have held on to you longer if I would have known it was going to be our last.

But you did. 

And here I am, nearly two months later and I still am as heartbroken as I was the day you left. 

They say this gets easier but it hasn't. 

I am broken. I truly know how my father felt 

Alone and the only woman I want is you

All I wanted was you

it's always at night

 that's when it creeps in. The loneliness, I instinctively reach for you. I do it so often. Just like I check my phone and you don't send anything. if I was on your mind and you miss us then why not say anything else? My soul continues to grind like it's in a blender.  I keep trying to be positive. I remind myself that I love my children and they deserve to have me here for them. But you were supposed to be here with me.   We were supposed to do this together.  That's what forever means, right? That's what infinity means. 

You kept me like a secret, I kept you like an oath. 

I miss you

I sit here, so miserable. So sad. The depression has got me again. I shrug it off, I listen to music that is upbeat, I pray that you send me something. I ask God's and anything listening to being you back to me. It's not like you've ever cared enough to look at this blog anyway. You've truly moved on. But why can't I? That's what I can't answer. I have tried. I have went on a date, but I very quickly realized that I wasn't over you. I kept wanting to talk about you. You are all I think about and I just want to be over you but I can't. There is something inside of me that can't let go. I fear that I don't have enough for anyone else. I gave everything I had to you, to our relationship. I AM truly broken. It feels like I'm destined to live the remainder of my life alone, heartbroken and sad. But I think that I can live with that, at least until our son is of an age where he can live without me.  Then, I'll slowly drift away. Like an inuit on an the iceberg.  I have the memories of when things were good to keep me comforted until that time comes.  I just truly hope you are happy.  Because I have never felt so miserable. So worthless. So unwanted. Discarded. So alone.  

I miss you. 

why?

why contact me anymore? 

 why send me things?

Aren't you content in your relationship? Why send memes about my mbti? Why screenshot the things I sent you in moments of vulnerability and then never reply? Why can you not give me dignified well defined answers? You are so short, say you miss us and then you're gone. I don't feel like I can take much more of this. It hurts too bad. 

I am just starting to feel a little better about myself and I feel like I am able to go a couple of hours without thinking about you... You message me with some  repost.  Why? 

I'm so fucking lonely. I still cry myself to sleep every night I get a message from you. 

This still fucking hurts. 

But why? Why continue to put me through this heartache? 

Exile

I can see you standing, honey
With his arms around your body
Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all
And it took you five whole minutes
To pack us up and leave me with it
Holdin' all this love out here in the hall
I think I've seen this film before
And I didn't like the ending
You're not my homeland anymore
So what am I defending now?
You were my town
Now I'm in exile, seein' you out
I think I've seen this film before

I can see you starin', honey
Like he's just your understudy
Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me
Second, third, and hundredth chances
Balancin' on breaking branches
Those eyes add insult to injury
I think I've seen this film before
And I didn't like the ending
I'm not your problem anymore
So who am I offending now?
You were my crown
Now I'm in exile, seein' you out
I think I've seen this film before
So I'm leavin' out the side door

So step right out, there is no amount
Of crying I can do for you
All this time
We always walked a very thin line
You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out)

You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)
All this time
I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)
I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around)
'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

So many signs, so many signs
You didn't even see the signs
I think I've seen this film before
And I didn't like the ending
You're not my homeland anymore
So what am I defending now?
You were my town
Now I'm in exile, seein' you out
I think I've seen this film before
So I'm leavin' out the side door
So step right out, there is no amount
Of crying I can do for you
All this time
We always walked a very thin line
You didn't even hear me out (didn't even hear me out)
You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)
All this time
I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)
I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around)
'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)
All this time (so many signs)
I never learned to read your mind (so many signs)
I couldn't turn things around (I couldn't turn things around)
'Cause you never gave a warning sign (you never gave a warning sign)
You never gave a warning sign
Ah, ah