if i had a wish, it would have been for us to read this blog together one day and you say to me, "wow... you really went through it, during out breakup."
But I honestly do not believe that wish will come true, I sent you the message tonight. The one where I walk away. I really think it would have been a whole lot easier on me if you would have never told me to find a secure app for us to talk on. It did nothing but fill my heart back up with hope. But rather than tell me to temper my expectations, or anything of that nature, you replied back 'same', or gave me very short reply and told me that you were under such duress because he was watching you like a hawk. I doubt you've even read this far into the message. Well, don't worry about me or this any longer. I just wish I could understand why you played with me this way. I was well on my way to healing. I wasn't far in my journey, but I had started feeling a little better. But, then you tell me to find an app and I do. I just don't know, I feel like I'm spiraling, My heart fucking aches. I got our son to bed and I can't stop crying now. I've been in the fetal position for the last hour and a half. I let you do this to me again! I LET this happen. I let YOU back in. But all I was, was nothing more than a back up plan, for when this psycho finally blows a gasket. But you like the craziness. It's not boring, it's something different everyday. You like when someone yells at you, treats you like garbage, makes you cry, makes our son feel like he doesn't belong in his own home.
I wanted you, I wanted us. I wanted our family. My soul was so full and happy to be with you, but I really don't think you were ever really happy with me. I tried really hard to make you happy. I worked, I pushed myself, I would come home and cook. I would play with the kids. I did... a lot. But none of it was enough. Even when we didnt live together I still tried. I gave so much effort. I went outside of my comfort zone and got into things with you that I learned to enjoy because of you. I did anything you asked, I did everything I saw that you wanted. But I was never good enough. You always looked elsewhere. I just wanted to make you happy and fulfilled. I tried any and everything. Because I loved you, I swear I loved you. I made a lot of missteps, and to sit here and name them all, I would be writing this for at least a couple of days. The bottom line is, I fucked up... a lot. But I tried, I always tried to make it better, plus some. And I was willing to try, forever. I was happy to try every day, to wake up and chose YOU, and US, over anyone else on this goddamed planet.
But it never felt like I was enough for you. I wish I was. I wish so much I was. But I'm not. That's why I say it again to you...
I was a great experience for you. But YOU... YOU were my everything, and you always will be.
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