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I have been wanting to do this for a week. I would like to tell you that it is because that I have been too busy, I have been busy but not too busy. I have been tired but not too tired. By what I have been is I have been sad and depressed to do this. I've been too down and depressed to do anything I enjoy. No Starfield. I cook because I have to. I have taken exactly 2 showers. I have not shaved. I am not eating but one meal a day, however I am losing weight at a pace I am happy with. 

I came into this earlier in the day with a positive mindset, well as positive one as I could have, with the current circumstances at hand. I had a busy but productive day at work, got my medicine taken care of for the next month, and was able to have therapy face to face for the first time in person in a while. It felt nice to actually see the Nikki again through more than just a phone screen.  I thought it was a good day. I got home, made dinner with Lily, (a nightly ritual) and then Julian and I worked on his PC over parsec and phone, and things were going great until I had to hear HIS voice. It nearly broke me right then and there. I felt my heart drop almost out of my chest. I felt so sick to my stomach.  I had such a decent day, I had a smile on, gave out all of the positive energy I had and then to end it with hearing the person's voice who was slotted into my position in what was my family. I have said this before, but I'll say it again. If I wasn't in as good of a mental state as I'm in right now. I would have already tried to kill myself. This is almost too much to bear. I keep going, I keep trying. I keep fighting on, but at what point is it not worth it anymore? When do I find my happily ever after?