It's been 48 hours since we've spoken about anything other than our son, I feel a lot of emotions right now.  I know that when this is all over with, you won't be the same person you went in as.  But I don't know how long it's going to take me to heal from this. I am just trying to get by, one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.  The pain I feel every single day since you left 2 and a half weeks ago still aches in my soul. I  have truly lost my smile, I can't find my joy,  It's like I've run out of hope. I'm empty, drained. I keep going because I know it's what I HAVE to do.  I gotta keep going, I watched dad continue on with life after mom left so many times. But he accepted her back every single time. I could see how much he loved her. How much his heart broke every time she would go. He didn't deserve it. Neither do I. But when you really feel in your heart and soul that they are your person, you will literally do anything for them. Including sacrificing your own mental well-being, along with everything else, just to be with them. 

I have pleaded with god, begged with any spirits that would listen, and cried myself to sleep every single night since you've left. No one deserves to feel this. But I guess this is what I deserved. afterall, its the same thing I did to Kristin, true she was already out doing things, but once she kicked me out, I stayed gone. She waited for me to come back, other than one very short week, I stayed gone for good.  She sent messages and emails that have a very similar tone to the ones that I have written to you.   My heart goes out to her for making her feel that way, she didn't deserve it.  Just like I didn't deserve what is happening to me now.   Even if I was making a lot of changes, even though I took inventory of myself and tried to improve, over and over and over again. I would have literally done anything for you, and I felt like I did. I tried, I gave effort, I kept going and going, pushing myself further and further. Working on myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, broadening my horizons in all of those faculties. Trying to be the best me that I could be FOR YOU. Because that's what all of this was for, to be YOURS. To be the man you've always wanted. But in the process, I lost you. I have been going over conversations between us, and it just seems as if you lost interest in me, maybe it was because of Zack, maybe it was because of Bryan, maybe it was the situation between us. In any event, I tried, I gave everything I had. Maybe some day we can try again. You said it yourself, we don't know what the future holds.  I hope the best for you. I really do. But even if we do get back together, it will be like re-learning someone all over again, which is what we both wanted to avoid. 

If you want me to be my pessimistic self, I don't think you'll ever read this. I don't think you really ever cared that much. I think I was comfortable for you. I think you used me as a waiting room until you found something better.  If this was not the case, I apologize. But I can't, at this point see it any other way than that. You discarded me, like I was worthless. You left me broken and bitter with nothing but my heart and the tiniest bit of hope. I know that I hurt. I am attempting to heal. But I am not jumping into something with someone else so that I can hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. I am focusing on myself and my kids.  If something were to occur in the process, I would likely decline because I can't give myself to someone like that anymore. I have had one sexual urge since you left and that was when I sent you that tellanon that said ugh.. urges.  Other than that, I've been completely without any sexual gratification since before you left. I'm so heartbroken and distraught.  I'm in such agonizing pain. I just wish it would stop.