Last night, I went to sleep, feeling somewhat hopeful. I had another therapy session, earlier on in the day, to see if I could begin the process of being comforted with these panic attacks that are happening now. Any time I think of him, or him with you, I immediately begin to shake and I can feel the meltdown happen. Its trying to start now as I write this.  Then I spiral, I go to deeper, darker thoughts. I immediately dismiss them. Reminding myself that this pain and discomfort will only be temporary, that this storm in my mind will pass. 

But the sleep thoughts I had last night were basically that I had come by to give J his birthday present, and you, your mom and Carl were there, but he was not. You guys invited me in, and when I saw how your home was redecorated and the photos of us were discarded, I felt a panic attack begin to happen. I felt it. But it was really happening, I suddenly woke up from my sleep, nearly hyperventilating, sweat dripping down my face, as well as tears. I've never had something invade my slumber this way before. It felt like you reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. I still hurt just like I did days ago, weeks ago.  

I just wish this pain would slowly begin to slip away. There are moments during the day when I begin to forget about the void that was us.  But those moments are fleeting and before I know it, reality slaps me right in the face all over again. 

I still miss you. ♥️♾️