I am not clairvoyant, I could see his hustle from a mile away. This dude thinks he slick, and he isn't. He only has you fooled. He's got good dick but everything else is garbage. You said it yourself "I struggled to find good, redeeming qualities in him."
The way I acted was my final act of desperation, because I knew what was happening the entire time. It was clear as day. I suggested the ren faire for us. Then you immediately took it to him, so how should I feel? So no Florida trip, no brunch, no spending any time together at all. And the same week Julian is going to go to his grandma's. It seems so inline. Almost like it was planned. You can say it wasn't but those coincidences line up a little too perfectly. You did set out for this to happen. You purchased the spells, you kept pushing me away when I was trying to get close to you again. I kept trying to do activities and chores we needed to get done. But your boundaries kept eroding. This IS what you wanted. The WAS the desired outcome. I know better and you know that I know.
Don't forget, Scarlett. You wanted to stream video games, you wanted to go out, cosplay and take photos. But you're going to end up confined to a bed again. It might not be a month, but in 2 or 3, it will go back to the way it was and you know I'm right.
I wanted to spend the rest of my life figuring it out with you. Learning with you, growing with you. And loving you. But you weren't smitten with me the way you are with him. You dont hang on my words, for the last few months I went from feeling like we were beginning to reconnect, to being shut out and being discarded. Even though I walked the walk. I was there when he left. I helped pick you up and rearrange and organize your room and helped with the mess from storage. I left you little notes around your house, I did your dishes and took care of Julian when you were too sick. I was the one with the positive attitude, the one that held you while you cried. But now, who's here for me, when I am crying? Who's is here to pick me up and dust me off? Who's here to tell me that I'm a strong black woman that don't need no man? No one.
You pushed me away for him. The man who stepped up and just wanted to love you, wholly, unconditionally. You went to this faire with him and you rekindled your relationship, and you saw what it could be. You saw his mask again. But you know what is going to turn into and so do I, because I saw it from day one. I'm not clairvoyant, I just know the game and I tried to protect you from it. I just hope you see it before it's too late.
Once it all happens, and you see him for what he actually is, you're going to see that I was there for you. That I put in the time, the effort, the emotional labor. Not just the proformative shit like opening doors for you. But the substantive things. Us being able to exchange ideas, us having reasonable discourse, if we did argue, it was because you put your guard up and I felt you pull away again.
I am saying that, I finally figured my shit out but you wanted no part of it. My attachment style, my insecurities. In my head cannon, I just want to go back to the night you and I "let go." That was our last night together to me. Because by that time, you were starting to walk away. I felt it before then but in that moment I felt all of you again, even if it was for a little bit. I felt it. I felt you, all of you.
I feel like I picked you up, dusted you off, fixed what needed to be fixed so you could go back and let him destroy you again. Remember how he isolated you. Made you a slave to your bed, was so insecure you take showers together. Remember how you walked on eggshells, even getting out of bed and waking him up would cause fights, remember when arguments would last days on end. Remember the door being shut to your bedroom all the time, away from our son. Remember how he controlled your social media. These are all things that will come back.
I don't know, there's a part of me that wants to leave the window open but I don't know. You've done this too many times now, and I don't deserve this. My heart doesn't deserve it. I've been good to you. I didn't walk away from you. You left me emotionally first this time. Then he trapped you on the phone and you kept pulling away. I had no choice in the matter. I just wonder, are just not for me anymore?
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